(This was a blog post I wrote back in August, 2015. I've repurposed and edit it to reflect myself now in 2023 a little more)
A sense of direction and a purpose in life, be it given or self-proclaimed, determines how you absorb and interpret your world. It is the foundation of which your sanity is built upon.
Very early on, I was taught to celebrate certain milestones; an endless parade of academic progression, cultural expectations and an upkeep of traditional values. But there was rarely any serious discussion as to why pursue these specific milestones. Quite the opposite, it was made clear that there were no alternatives, that these were all that were available to me, and to everyone else for that matter.
I became exasperated and afraid with the way things were headed for me. As a 20 year old fresh graduate, I didn't feel like these were worthwhile pursuits, and looking forward to the next 30 years, I couldn't stomach the thought of being trapped on some remote control toy track, endlessly running circles until my batteries died. Yet I had never given much thought to doing anything else. I truly felt caught between a rock and a hard place.
And so on the eve of a two year anniversary (August 2015) since I quit my job at an audit firm in order to pursue a career as a web artist, I hope to impart my feelings now that I have had a taste of the two spectrum.
One side of the spectrum is a strict and steady step ladder. Each rung on this ladder represents 2-3 years; 3 years in lower school, 3 years in middle school, 2 years in upper school. Then university, then a masters. When you graduate, work is divided too. Every title change takes about 2-3 years; associate, senior, manager, senior manager, director etc. etc. you get the idea.
What it feels like to be in that world is very much like a helium balloon, tied to one of the steps on that ladder. And what it feels like to leave that world, well, it's like the string had been cut. It was one of the most elated feelings I'd ever felt; and that feeling lasted roughly 1 year.
As I mentioned before, I was stuck in an endless parade. And flying high above this parade - the world outstretched in front of me, having every direction and possibility available to me all at once - it was so freeing and energizing, but as soon as you look down it became nauseating and terrifying.
What I didn't count on was the mental inertia from having been strung to that ladder for so long. Old habits die hard, and I had expected a career in art to possess the same type of 2-3 year progression as I had always expected in everything.
There were no grades and scores to mark success or improvement, no curriculum or textbooks. No HR department for annual performance index, no manager to answer to, no payroll, no company goals, nothing. Just you.
I had been conditioned to view success and value in terms of numbers and grades. And so I did.
I grasped onto Facebook likes and webpage views as if they were some intuitive grading system. I went through many phases of insecurity, creative crisis and I was never happy with where I was, I always needed to be 'better'.
But despite this, there was a silver-lining, I was free. I was doing what I always wanted to do. Every struggle I met, I faced head on. I was determined, and what’s more, I had the residual work ethic and discipline which had snowballed in from my 3 years at the accountancy firm.
What I learned is that to make it as an artist, your level of skill and passion is merely a requirement. It is an entry fee, the bare minimum. When you really need is incredible fortitude, patience, humility mixed with enigmatic arrogance. You'll need luck, you'll need financial support, you'll need time; as in no weekends, no public holidays, no Christmas or birthdays. Now, in the 21st century, you'll also need something new; marketing, networking, social media, clout and sometimes shamelessness too.
The very last thing is this:
That by the end of it all, when you've jumped through all the hoops and done everything you can, and things still feel out of reach and nothing you're learning is working, and things that are working aren't enough. The bills aren't paid and you're not really sleeping much anymore.
That by the end of all that... you'll still want to keep doing it.
A desk job is appealing. To have somebody else give you a task and all its parameters is mentally less exhausting, to complete said task and know when it is finished; to have your time and hours measured precisely to the decimal and know the difference between ‘work time’ and ‘free time’. There's no need to decipher feedback and criticism, and you'll never have to call your life's passion, "work".
I really don't have any parting words of inspiration or encouragement, and my experiences won't be indicative or characteristic to anyone who takes an offbeat path. I believe whatever path you choose is the best choice you could have made that day. Up here in the clouds, it may be terrifying, and quite often I do wish I were back on the ground.
But sometimes just before dawn, a particularly large cloud parts and shifts; the cool, deep-blue world curves beneath you, a starry sky just above, over the horizon a slow creeping light emerges into a warm dazzling sunrise, which spreads across the land for a new day.
And it takes your breath away.
“…[S]tarting my life as a writer was a tremendous risk, it was a fools leaps, a shot in the dark. But anything of any value in our lives whether that be a career, a work of art, a relationship, will always start with such a leap.
And in order to be able to make it, you have to put aside the fear of failing and the desire of succeeding. You have to do these things completely purely without fear, without desire. Because things that we do without lust or result are the purest actions that we shall ever take.”
-Alan Moore, The Mindscape of Alan Moore
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